I wrote about Madam Ng in my last article and touched on the idea of looking beyond medical conditions to see the real person beneath. There is another side to her story.
Dr Alvin Tng
Year Two Internal Medicine Resident
SingHealth Residency
The old Chinese adage goes: “Behind every successful man is a woman.”
I wrote about Madam Ng in my last article and touched on the idea of looking beyond medical conditions to see the real person beneath. There is another side to her story – the story of Mr Ng, the man behind his woman.
Theirs was a love story spanning more than a decade. Mr Ng had devoted his youth and early married life to his career. With no children, he rarely spent time with his wife, who was also busy with her own work and activities.
All that changed two years ago, when Madam Ng was diagnosed with cancer.
He took a back seat from his job and devoted his time to caring for his wife, running his business from home. He faithfully brought his wife to all her chemotherapy sessions, visited her every day during her multiple hospital admissions and cared for her daily needs as her condition rendered her bed-bound in her final days.
Hospital bed? Check. Commode? Check.
You name it, he bought it. As she became more debilitated, he even bought a new car to make sure that she would be comfortable during her follow-up visits to NCCS, and so that he could “take her out for a spin to relax her mind”.
"The physical toll of caring for the patient aside, there is also the emotional aspect of loneliness, fear, and the baggage of added responsibility weighing in on the caregivers."
His devotion to his wife was apparent. But beneath that hopeful exterior, was fragility and bitterness that few had explored.
Regret. “I wish I had spent more time with her when she was healthier.”
Doubt. “Did we make the right decision for chemotherapy? She’s only been suffering more ever since we started.”
Anger. “We’ve been in and out of hospital so many times, with so many procedures and scans. Yet the problems seem to keep coming back.”
Acceptance. “I know that her time left with me isn’t much, and I just want to be with her for as long as she is around.”
Despair. “Then again, I don’t know what I’m going to do once she’s gone. There’s no one left.”
Through thick and thin, till death do us part. It pained me to see the devotion this man had for his wife, yet there was little I could do but offer my listening ear.
More often than not, our focus lies on our patients who are in pain, in distress and in need of attention. We often forget about their caregivers – these solid stalwarts who are the reason our patients continue to survive. Dressing, bathing, toileting, feeding, keeping company, picking up after the patients; these caregivers sacrifice their careers and personal lives for their loved ones.
The physical toll of caring for the patient aside, there is also the emotional aspect of loneliness, fear, and the baggage of added responsibility weighing on them. And when their loved ones depart, a void often appears.
They used to wake up each day, caring for their loved ones – but now, all that is gone and the empty bed stares back in mournful silence. They suddenly have time for themselves, but they do not know what to do with it. They have trouble regaining their purpose and aim in life, while coping with the bereavement from losing their loved one.
In this aspect, support from family and friends is important. But surely there is a role too for us healthcare providers?
It is indeed heartwarming to note that in recent years, there has been an increase in focus on the wellbeing of caregivers. Simply recognising their hard work and effort is a small step forward.
Increasingly, groups such as TOUCH Community services and Caregiving Welfare Association provide respite care, counselling and support training and resources to help our dedicated caregivers. All these are steps in the right direction. And we as their medical providers are well poised to pick up on these cues and help them.
It has been a few months since she departed. In the silence of the night, I do sometimes wonder how Mr Ng is coping out there.
Wherever you are Sir, I wish you well.
All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the patient and family.
